When Bishounen Attack! 2002!
by The Mysterious Flower Girl
Summary: They're hot. They're deadly. They like to eat doughnuts. It's back. When Bishounen Attack!


When Bishounen Attack! Version 2002!  
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If you have read my work before, you might have read my older story," When Bishounen Attack!"  
Well, this is a new episode, a special one for the year 2002. I hope you enjoy, and  
may your life be filled with insanity!  
  
~TMFG (The Mysterious Flower Girl)  
  
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From outside a large building, many fangirls were   
crowded around the windows, squeezing against the glass,  
their eyes wide in anticipation. Cid waved to them from inside   
the studio," I'm right here, ladies!" he said with a smirk.  
To his surprise, suddenly the streets were empty. He looked up, and spoke to an  
invisible person. Namely, the author. "That's not funny you know," he sneered.  
  
~"Yes it is."~  
  
"I don't like you," Cid replied again, and showed her a very crude sign with one of his fingers.  
Cid then reached for his pack of smokes, and stopped dead, realizing his pocket was now empty.  
  
~"Mua ha ha ha"~  
  
Tifa looked shocked as she heard Cid tear through the   
studio, screaming and babbling about evil things  
that stole ciggarettes. Tifa shrugged it off, and looked   
to Red XIII, who was dressed in a suit. The lion  
creature shrugged back, dismissing it as only normal.   
Tifa turned to Barret, and gave him the single to  
start the camera. As if by a miracle, the fangirls crowded the streets outside once again.  
  
As Tifa saw the red light on the camera turn green, she gave everyone a perky  
smile," Welcome to When Bishounen Attack! Version 2002!   
All law suits have been avoided, life insurance has been granted, and  
our pay has been raised. Which explains why this is going on in the first place," Tifa said.  
  
Red XIII snickered through his fangs,"And all the   
therapy has been issued," he murmmered under his breath.  
Tifa glared at him,"That's not funny!" she said, but then  
she sat in silence, shivered and cleared her throat before   
talking again,"In the old series, we saw Cloud and Vincent maul   
and devour innocent creatures, Reno terrorize kindergartners,   
and Sephiroth kill various fangirls," Tifa said, and paused at  
the uproar from outside. The uproar quickly ceased as two fangirls  
dropped dead outside, and a man with long silver hair recognized the   
camera was now on him. Eyes bulging, he quickly tried to   
hide behind the corner.  
  
"Um, right," Tifa said, and flashed another smile,"I would also like to remind you   
that this is special show is being sponsored by BVI. Or to be more precise, Bishounen   
Villains International," Tifa said and jumped as  
Seymour lept onto the stage, waving at the camera.  
  
"Hi, mom! Hi!" he said, waving.  
  
From somewhere, Anima turned off its TV looking at the other aeons that  
sat on the couch beside  
it, slightly disgusted. "I don't know him, guys, honestly," Anima pleaded.  
Shiva smirked,"Chyaaa riiight," she said.  
  
"Um, and that is President Seymour now," Tifa said, with an annoyed tone.  
"We were just about to have an interview with him now," she said,  
and jumped again as the guado was in the chair next to her.  
  
"Tifa, must I say you look absolutely fabouloso!" Seymour said with a high pitch giggle.   
Tifa looked at the camera, looked at Seymour, and then back. She kicked   
Seymour's chair hard, sending it flying into the back stage.   
There was a loud crash. "Well that's the end of our interview folks!"  
Red XIII sweatdropped," That isn' going to do well with our   
sponsors you realize," he pointed out.   
Tifa shrugged," I figure that by the end of this show, the producers are going  
to realize they made a big mistake by bringing it back," Tifa said.   
Red XIII shrugged,"The show does well among female teenagers though," he said.  
  
"WE LOVE YOU SEPHIROTH!" Could be heard from outside.   
  
"Um, and now we have another guest, WBA veteran, Cloud Strife!" Tifa said, and held  
her hand out, indicating Cloud was  
suppose to come onto the stage.  
  
Cloud did not arrive.  
  
Tifa blushed nervously,"And NOW, Cloud Strife!" she repeated. Still, no response.  
  
"WHERE THE HECK IS CLOUD?!" Tifa said, snapping her pencil in two.  
The camera whirled around to the back stage to see Cloud at the concession  
table, stuffing doughnuts   
into his mouth," Thwesre argh fwee, 'ight?" Cloud said, a little while powder   
flying from his mouth.  
He then stopped dead when he realized the camera was on  
him, dropping a jelly doughnut. "Uh, was it my turn to go on?"  
  
Tifa slapped her hand to her face,"AndnowCloudStrife..." she mummbled.   
Cloud grinned, walking onto the stage and waving, his face still covered with white powder.   
Realizing the seat that he was suppose to sit in was now gone  
(From somewhere behind the stage, Seymour clutched a sprained back), he   
gladly took the chance to sit in Tifa's lap. Tifa blinked then lowered   
her voice,"Um, Cloud, you have something on your face," she said.  
Cloud blushed, and rubbed his thumb over the side of his lip, and  
grinned. "That good?" he said. Tifa facefaulted,"Um, well Cloud its actually  
all over-" she stopped as she saw Cloud grinning at her goofily,"You're preeeetty," he said.  
"Whoo hooo hoooooo!" Red XIII, Barret, and Cait Sith chorused.  
From somehow in the audience a girl in a pink dress and a red  
jacket muttered a small,"Boo"  
Her face was covered by a scarf, as if hiding from something.   
Beside her, a man in silver hair and black clothes also had a   
scarf wrapped tightly round his face.  
  
* I hope they don't notice me* They thought at the same time.  
  
Tifa let out a deep sigh,"Okaaaay, Cloud, tell me,   
what is it like to be a bishounen?" she asked.  
Cloud grinned and faced the camera,"It's absolutely great, Tifa!  
I feel new and improved, and my smile is whiter than ever!  
And it can be you, if you call 1-800-Bishnow. That's 1-800...Bishnow!" Cloud said,   
and grinned flashing the camera a thumbs up.   
Tifa looked at Yuffie who sat casually in a seat near a small VCR,   
having to take Cid's place as he was still having a mental breakdown.   
"Were those doughnuts drugged," she said, glaring into the girls eyes.   
Yuffie sat up,"Don't look at me!" she said, before  
a wallet fell out of her shirt. Yuffie groaned. "IS THAT MY WALLET?!" Tifa screamed.   
Yuffie looked around and then   
grinned,"Wa ha ha! You'll never catch me!" she said, and threw down a fire matera,  
a large blaze erupting.   
Obviously Yuffie was hoping the fire would distract Tifa so she could get away.  
However, Yuffie did not expect the   
materia ball to somehow wind up being caught in a loop in her shoelaces.  
  
Tifa watched the smoldering girl, and turned back to the camera.   
"I hate my life," she muttered.  
Cloud grinned, and wrapped his arms around her neck,"Feeling down?   
Feel like things just couldn't get any worse?" Tifa nodded in reply.  
"There is a way. And it's by calling 555-3246!" Cloud said, grinning.  
Tifa looked up at him,"Uh, isn't that your phone number?" Tifa asked.   
Cloud's grin grew sultry,"You bet it is, baby," he said.  
  
Cloud landed a few feet from Seymour. From on stage, Tifa's arm was still  
extended and her hand was still balled in   
a fist from sending the blonde into orbit. "And whose sick idea was   
this to have interviews in our show?"  
  
From far away a girl who sat hunched over a keyboard, typing away,   
paused, sneezed and went back to typing.  
  
Red XIII turned to the camera,"And now it's time for me to fullfill my  
contract with more lines! Yuffie, if you would roll the tape!"  
No answer. Yuffie lay on the ground, still sizzling.  
"Mommy, I dun wanna go to school," she said, eyes swirling around.  
"Um," Red XIII darted his eyes around,"Cid?"  
The Highwind piolet sat in a corner, rocking back and forth.  
"They're surrounding man...they're surrounding me," he said, darting his eyes around.  
  
Tifa cleared her throat,"Cait Sith," she said," could you do it?"  
The robot nodded, happy to finally recieve a roll in the fiction, grabbed a tape,  
and fed it to the VCR.  
  
/ A video of Cloud in the shower appeared./  
  
"I'm sooooooo beautiful! Because I shower with new Dove Special Improved Formula!"  
He said, scrubbing his arms,"with extra moisture and a great new spring fresh scent!"  
Cloud then grabbed the shower head, and began to sing,"I'm sooooo beautiful!All  
the fangirls want me! I'm sooooo beautiful, any idiot can see! And Tifa is so  
hooooooot!" he began to sing, getting really into it.  
  
From outside, the fangirls grew silent, in a trance of Cloud's nude singing.  
Tifa's eyes bulged, and she turned redder than Santa Claus' suit.  
  
/the tape ended/  
  
Red XIII turned to look at Tifa who was staring straight ahead, eyes still bulging.  
"T-Tifa...are you alright?" he asked. Tifa opened her mouth, and after a few tries,  
finally spoke. "I just don't know anymore," she said. Red XIII put a clawed paw on her shoulder.  
"I know it's hard. The emotional damage has been delt to us all," he said.  
  
From outside, all the fangirls were grinning stupidly.  
  
From backstage Cloud was grinning,"It's all for you,baby!" he shouted, and stuffed yet another  
doughnut into his mouth. Red XIII sweatdropped,"You can get over this Tifa," he said.  
Tifa just stared off into space before muttering,"Chocobos..."  
  
Red XIII scooted away from her. "Errr, right. Um, next tape!"  
  
/The video started/  
  
It was a retirement home. The old folks were looking out the windows peacefully.  
Some were reading, others played checkers, each having a generally good time.  
Then a man with silver hair, namely Sephiroth, ran into the room, holding  
his sword high in the air, and laughing like a mad man.  
  
"Bwa ha ha ha ha!" he shouted, and cut the checkersboard in half.  
"Cower before me, worthless-"  
  
He was struck down by a walker. The old man brought the walker down upon  
him again. An old lady joined in, slamming him with her cane.  
  
The tape flickered, and it showed Sephiroth, with extensive wounds and  
bandages sitting in front of a small podium, holding a small sheet of  
paper. "B4," he muttered. The old man who had assaulted him earlier stood  
triumphantly in the air,"Bingo!" he shouted.  
  
/The tape ended/  
  
Tifa seemed to snap out of her trance,"What the-"  
  
The silver haired man in the audience jumped up. "THAT WASN'T SUPPOSE TO  
AIR!" he shouted angrily.  
  
Red XIII burst into laughter, tears streaming down his face. He fell out  
of his seat, kicking his hind legs in the air. "Ohmygod! I'm rollin!"  
he shouted between snickers.  
  
"I'll kill you," the silver haired man said, and sat down. Only to notice  
that all the fangirls from outside were now in the audience, all grinning  
at him. Sephiroth gulped,"Holy..."  
  
"Next tape," Tifa said, blinking.  
  
/The tape started/  
  
The tape showed Yuffie, who snuck onto the stage as Tifa was chatting with  
the others, drinking her mocha. Yuffie quickly spotted a wallet lying on  
the table, silently snatched it up, and stuffed it down her shirt. She  
let out a diabolical giggle before sneaking off.  
  
/The tape ended/  
  
Tifa sat up,"AH HA!" she said, pointing in Yuffie's direction. Yuffie still  
was not recovered. "I smell bacon," the girl said before passing out again.  
Cait Sith sweatdropped, and stuffed in another tape.  
  
/The tape started/  
  
It featured a group of cheerleaders, practicing for their next game.  
After a few cartwheels, and summersaults, the sound of a gunshot  
echoed off the gym walls. Vincent burst in, cackling, shooting off  
all his ammo. The girls shrieked and ran off. Suddenly, a pom pom  
went sailing for Vincent's head.  
  
Five minutes later...  
  
The girls sat all huddled around Vincent, one of the girls braiding his hair.  
Vincent had glitter around his eyes, and held up a small mirror.  
"You have, like, totally gorgeous hair," one girl said. Vincent  
giggled,"Thanks. I shampoo and condition, like, everyday," he replied.  
  
/the tape ended/  
  
"You guys suck," Tifa said, gaping. Vincent tried to hide in the audience, chuckling  
nervously.  
  
"How many more minutes do we have left?" Tifa asked Red XIII who had recovered and was slowly  
climbing back into the chair.  
  
"Five," he replied. "What should we do?"  
  
Tifa was solemn,"We...bring out the dancing chocobos," she replied. As chocobos  
began to appear on the stage a technical difficulties screen appeared.  
  
Then, Sephiroth ran across the screen, shrieking like a child. A group of  
fangirls following close behind. A few seconds later, Tidus walked onto the screen.  
  
"Um...why does Seymour get to be on the show, and I don't?" he asked.  
  
~"I wanted to save you from the carnage"~ The mysterious author voice replied.  
  
"Oh, um...thanks then, I guess," Tidus answered.  
  
The screen went black.  
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And that's it! I know I haven't written in a long while, and this  
is my first new story! So I'd appreciate a review! Thanks!  
  
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